There’s Frosty and Santa and Rudolph and Sugar Plum Fairies. Bing Crosby, the Grinch and the Bells of St. Mary’s. But do you happen to recall, the most famous Christmas character of them all. . . ? Well, boys and girls of safety, let me tell you about him.

Scene 1: Enter Clarence the Inspector

It was a snowy Christmas Eve at the North Pole. Bing bong. It was the doorbell.

“See who it is, Mrs. Claus,” bellowed jolly old St. Nick.

When Mrs. Claus opened the door, she was met by a skinny pointed eared goblin-like character carrying a clipboard and a briefcase stuffed with papers. Trailing him were two red-clad, curly toed assistants.

“Well, who are you?,” asked the kindly Mrs. Claus.

“Name’s Clarence. I’m a government safety inspector,” he replied.

“Would you like to come in for cookies and some nice warm cocoa?”

“Yeah, I’m coming in. But hold the cocoa,” the guest scolded. “I’m here on business. I’m here to inspect your workshop. Who’s in charge of this place?”

Clarence stepped inside the cottage and proffered his credentials to Santa who was just then pulling on his boots.

“Are those things steel toed?,” gruffed Clarence.

“Well, no, ho, ho, ho!”  Santa responded.

“I see,” said Clarence who began writing on his clipboard. “That’s a violation of Section 3.4 of the sugar plum fairy code. When danger from falling objects like presents exists and/or working around livestock like reindeers--and that means you, Rudolph, with your nose so bright! You must wear steel toes!”

“Book him!” cried Clarence as his minions grabbed Santa and carted him away.

Scene 2: Santa in Hell

Santa looked around. Flames were burning bright and it was very, very, hot. His red suit was grey with ash, the fur hung limply in the heat. “Ho, Ho, Ho!”  Santa said to the Devil who was picking his teeth with a flaming toothpick. “I must have missed this region when I deliver presents Christmas Eve. I’ve never seen this place. Geez, no presents. No wonder everybody’s in such a bad mood around here.”

“Don’t worry about it” the Devil said displaying shark like teeth. “You are in hell and are going to stay here until it freezes over,” he snickered into his forearm, H1N1 style.

“Well,” said Santa with a twinkle in his eye. “Might as well make myself comfortable.” He jingled his bells and, poof, there appeared a group of elves, hammers in hand who proceeded to deftly mold the molten magma into metal Xmas trees, stringing up the hot coals for use as multicolored lights.

Now, the Devil wasn’t prepared to see his fiery domain turned into a Christmas village. “Knock it off,” he bellowed. “This is Hell, not the North Pole,” he shouted, stamping his cloven hoof.

But Santa just smiled, reached out his arms and handed the Devil a brightly wrapped present.

Legend has it that the Devil’s heart grew 4 sizes that day. “For me,” he whispered in disbelief.

“For you,” Santa smiled back.

The Devil quavered as he began to open the package. Mistleote appeared above him as a bevy of female demons vied to kiss him first. “I’m beginning to like this,” said the Devil, a tear welling in the corners of his yellow eyes. And with that, Hell froze over.

Soon, the demons were joining hands, caroling, as elves began handing out the presents to one and all. Lumps of coal and scarves for the cold. The demons were delighted with their gifts.

The Devil, surrounded by a bevy of adoring female demons, shivered in the cold.  “You can go now,” he said.

Epilog

Santa left Hell but he never forgot it. He and Mrs. Claus still consider the episode their most favorite Christmas memory and think about it often. In the offseason, when he’s not under his production quota deadlines, Santa likes to reminisce about the experience while he sits back in his rocking chair with his boots on the table--steel toed, of course.

And what of Clarence, the safety inspector?

He was promoted to regional director. Now, every year, he carves the roast beast at the OSHA Christmas banquet.

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