When Elton John sang Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word, he was talking about love. But his words ring equally true in any situation where a quarrel has occurred and an apology is necessary to undo the verbal damage. Peter M. Sandman, a risk communications consultant in Princeton, NJ, says apologizing seems to be particularly hard in the workplace. So he's broken it down to five simple steps.

Apology as Damage Control

First, why bother apologizing? Isn't conflict a common workplace occurrence? And after the words have been said, isn't it better just to leave well enough alone? Sometimes. But these excuses are often simply a rationalization. Apologizing after making a mean and hurtful comment is good manners and good manners do mean something. Besides, apologizing accomplishes two other important objectives:

• Apologies Mitigate Damage: Saying you're sorry makes your "victim" feel better. That's important especially if the dispute was serious and there's a threat of litigation, discipline or other legal action in the air. Some fear that apologizing in this context is tantamount to admitting liability. But Sandman says that an apology done properly, without admitting fault, can "reduce the impulse of prospective plaintiffs to sue."
• Apologies Ease Guilty Feelings: If you have blasted one of your workers and are feeling guilty about it, the need to apologize is probably niggling at your brain. Clearing the air can improve morale; both that of workers and your own.

5 Steps to an Apology

So, if sorry is really the hardest word, how should we say it? Sandman suggests taking these five steps:

Step 1: Say What You Did Wrong

Some people try to slip in a fast "I'm sorry" without explaining what they did wrong. That isn't good enough. You must also explain what you're apologizing for. Don't be vague or try to tell your side of the story.

For example, if you embarrassed a worker by criticizing him in front of his co-workers, it would be appropriate to say to that person, in private: "It was unprofessional of me to yell at you in front of everyone. I should have taken you aside and spoken to you in private."

Step 2: Say You're Sorry and Make It Heartfelt

Don't say that you "regret" what happened. Regret and wishing that an action had never occurred aren't the same as apologizing for it. If you want to apologize, step up to the plate and say you're sorry. You don't have to and may not want to make self-exculpatory comments like, "It was all my fault," especially if those words could be used as an expression of guilt in a disciplinary or legal proceeding. Instead, say "I feel terrible about what I did."

Step 3: Accept the Consequences

Apologies sometimes cause the "victim" to relive the anger and emotions of the conflict. Before you can get your words out, the victim might express these feelings and air her grievance against you. That's perfectly understandable and you should be prepared to deal with it. Let the person vent without interruption.

Step 4: Make It Right

Correct the problem. It's tempting to fix a problem without acknowledging that there ever was one to begin with. But doing this isn't likely to defuse the person's anger. Similarly, apologizing without taking steps to ensure that the situation isn't repeated isn't sufficient. If it happens again you'hhll look twice as bad.

Step 5: Do Penance

An apology is generally more effective when you follow up your words with deeds. Consider it an act of atonement. Maybe a pizza or round of soft drinks at lunch will make up for your offense and make the apology go down easier.

Conclusion

It takes a big person to admit when they're wrong. It also takes a wise leader to know how to do it correctly.

CLASHES AT WORK

The 5 Styles of Handling Workplace Conflict

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Conflict doesn't need to become combat

By Catherine Jones

Conflicts at work happen. We've all been there. How you handle yourself during these conflicts is very important. People handle conflict differently, depending on their personalities and the situation. Some respond defensively, protesting the unfairness or placing the blame elsewhere. Others mentally leave the scene by not listening or stubbornly staying silent. Depending on the situation, variations of either "fight or flight" response might be appropriate. Or you might choose another tactic.

Here are the five styles of conflict response and when it might be appropriate to use them:

1. Avoidance

The avoiders are those who don't react, delay their reaction or make themselves unavailable. Avoiding conflict can be a good tactic when you need time to clear your head and gather your thoughts.

2. Accommodation

Accommodators want to maintain harmony and in many cases are prepared to give in to defuse or avoid a conflict - sometimes even when they know they're right and should speak up. Accommodation makes sense when the overall relationship is more important than the issue being argued.

3. Competition

Also known as forcing, this inflexible conflict approach disregards other views. It's useful in an emergency or when following your conscience.

4. Compromise

Compromisers meet halfway, sacrifice and bargain. Sometimes nobody wins, but it's helpful when you need a quick solution.

5. Collaboration

Collaboration is a higher form of compromise. It involves treating the argument as a problem, respecting all views and working together to find a win-win solution. It's the approach to use when neither party's concerns should be compromised.

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