Road Trip

Guy gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
Traffic Cop: Your wife fell out of your car two blocks back
Driver: What a relief! I thought I was going deaf!

Train Trouble

Guy’s applying for a job as a railroad switchman.
Yardmaster: Tell me, what would you do if you saw two trains coming at each other on the same track?
Job Applicant: I’d switch one of them right off and onto another track
Yardmaster: And what if the lever is stuck?
Applicant: I’d run out with a red flag and wave one of them down.
Yardmaster: And what if the engineer doesn’t see you?
Applicant: I’d call my mother.
Yardmaster: Call your mother!? What’s she going to do?
Applicant: Nothing. But she loves train wrecks.

Johnny Walker Red?

A company gives its top salesman a bottle of vintage whiskey as a gift at the office Christmas party. He sticks it in his hip pocket. On his way home, he slips on the ice, does a somersault and ends up sprawled against a tree. Suddenly he feels something warm running down his leg. “Oh no,” he moans, “I just hope that’s blood.”

A Question

Is it true that there are more people caused by accidents than accidents caused by people?

No Fly Zone

It’s no wonder so many people are afraid of flying. You pull into the airport and the first thing you see is a big sign that says “TERMINAL.” When you get inside the airport, you see all these guys selling life insurance. Next thing you know some clown comes on the loud speaker and “Flight 291 is ready for its final departure!”

Quick Flight

A guy calls the airline in Kalamazoo. “How long does it take to fly to New York?,” he asks. “Just a moment,” the operator replies. “Thanks,” says the guy and hangs up.

Dear John

I flew here on a 747. That’s a big plane. 400 passengers and three restrooms. Now that’s what I call a holding pattern!

Definitions

Arthritis: Twinges in the hinges
Reckless Driver: The guy who passes you while you’re speeding
Amateur Athlete: An athlete paid in cash not by check
Slob: The guy who orders three eggs—two to eat and one for his shirt

Any Way You Slice It

Playing golf is a lot like raising kids. You keep thinking “I’ll do better next time.”

Caddy Smack

Charley was having a miserable day playing golf. On the 18th, he hit his drive into the water. Frustrated and having nobody else to vent against, he turns to his caddy and shouts “doggone it, you must be the worst caddy in the world.” “Oh no sir,” the caddy replies, “that would be too much of a coincidence.”

Fair Weather Friend

My golf game is great. I shoot in the low 70s. Any colder than that and I don’t play.

Corporate Governance

I asked my CEO what he thought of ignorance and apathy. He said “I don’t know and I don’t care.”

Hair Raising

My friend Harry has come up with a great new solution for baldness. He soaks his head in Preparation H. It doesn’t grow hair but it shrinks his head to fit the hair he’s got.

Put Downs

He’s like a blister. He never shows up until the work is done.
If he heard opportunity knock, he’d complain about the noise.
She can brighten up any room—by leaving it.
His friends used to play blackjack with him and they’d use real blackjacks.
He’s so old-fashioned he still thinks that cars and planes are just a plot to drive down the cost of horses.
If he’s a self-made man, I just wish he’d get on with the job.
She figures that bad breath is better than none at all.
He’s so ugly that his parents convinced him to become a doctor so he’d put a mask on his face.
He’s so ugly that his wife comes with him on road trips so she doesn’t have to kiss him goodbye.
If you have kleptomania, don’t worry; you can always take something for it.
He’s the kind of guy that would vote a town dry and then move out.

Cliff Hanger

This tourist nearly falls off a cliff. So he says to one of the natives: “Hey this cliff is dangerous. Why don’t you put up a danger sign?” “We did,” says the native. “But nobody ever fell so we took it down.”

Quips

Some people are funny. They spend money they don’t have on things they don’t want to impress people they don’t like.
Some people get lost in thought because it’s unfamiliar territory to them.
Some people itch for success when they should be scratching for it.

Matrimonial Bliss

I’d like to say getting married was a gamble but at least in gambling you got a chance.
I didn’t know what real happiness was until I got married. And then it was too late.

Dramatic Paws

This newlywed husband comes home from work and finds his wife crying. “We’ve had a terrible accident,” she weeps. “I baked a pie for dinner and the dog ate it.” “Don’t you cry, honey,” says the husband. “I’ll buy you a new dog.”

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